just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize