New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
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Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
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Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I don't deserve a penis
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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