I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
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You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
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All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
soo... how was my night?
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