he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
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They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
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If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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