im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize