I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
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that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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