My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
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Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
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Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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