We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
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This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
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I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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