Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
