your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
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he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
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That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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