Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
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Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
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I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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