Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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