I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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