The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
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screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
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Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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