I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
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I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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