my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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