idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Houston, we have a blender
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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