I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
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Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
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I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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