I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
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Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
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I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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