Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
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The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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