I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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