For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
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What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
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