How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
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He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
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New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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