Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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