Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
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We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
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pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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