Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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