i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
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You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
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So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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