i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
my shit smells like andre
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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