I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
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Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
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I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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