conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
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I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
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apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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