Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
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NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
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The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
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