Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
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You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
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IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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