My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize