Im at strip club and am horny
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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