Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize