I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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