That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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