i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
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he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
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Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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