I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize