I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
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I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
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I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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