giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize