We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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