i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
