I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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