We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
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Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
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Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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