I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize