I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
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i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
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When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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