Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
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You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
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I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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