Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
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I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
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BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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