I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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